Codependency & Boundary

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation

Melody Beattie

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Three-Sentence Summary

If I had to reduce this book to five pages, I’d write about awareness, caretaking, control, letting go, gratitude, acceptance, surrender, boundaries, feelings, dropping the victim role forever, and how to love ourselves. If I had to reduce this book to four words, I’d write: Be who you are. If I had to shrink it even further, I’d use two words penned by the ancient sages: Know yourself.

Who Is This Book For?

This book is written for beginners and those further down the taking-care-of-themselves road. It offers practical help for people recovering from chemical dependency when they bottom out from codependency, usually after being sober anywhere from seven to ten years. The seven-year mark for recovering alcoholics and addicts is a widely accepted but unofficial recovery rule of thumb. After people stop drinking, they discover there are many things other than alcohol and drugs that they can’t control, a rite of passage that could be dubbed “the Second Great Surrender.” We let go of all illusions of control.
I also wrote this book for people who want to learn more about behaviors such as setting boundaries or dealing with feelings, but who don’t want or need to go to treatment, therapy, or attend recovery groups. You don’t have to label yourself codependent and embark on a grand transformation to benefit from this book. Instead you can learn about specific behaviors that will help you take better care of yourself. This book complements my other writing, but the material in here is fresh. This is an upgrade, building on and enhancing the work I did before, like when Windows evolved from DOS. This book can be used with my other books or by itself.

I didn’t mean to be lazy when I quoted so much from the book. This is a brilliant book for me, as it clearly points out almost every aspect of over-the-boundary behaviors and conditions. I am the second type of reader, as the author mentioned.

This book is a masterpiece for me. I have read a few psychology-related publications. Most are either too dry like a textbook, or only rephrase/name the obvious phenomenons with academic terms. Barely anything is actionable except calls out for awareness. Melody Beattie, the author, writes differently. Maybe it is influenced by her own extensively dreadful life experience (my point of view) as an ex-alcoholic and drug addict, wife of an alcoholic, and mother of an early-died son.

Of course, not every section resonates with me. However, the first few chapters, especially the one about Setting Boundaries, paved the way for me. The past’s, the current’s, and the future’s.

I have also to admit that I was surprised when I learned that the author didn’t have any sort of formal training in therapy, psychology, or psychiatry. And there are lots of critics of this book online. Well, nevertheless, education accreditation doesn’t mean everything or even anything. Someone has dissected her life experience and ways of mishandling, reliving, and resolving those issues. This is valuable enough, like Man Search-for-Meaning.

Setting Boundaries

A few years ago, I noticed an interesting phenomenon when I was reading multiple books simultaneously. The Distant Familiarity. I couldn’t find the original source of this expression or what its publicly agreed meaning is. But I found it is appropriate to describe the feeling of subtle connections across distinct readings.

I have been trying to work through a tough situation that is extensively linked to my work life. I started with a concrete question on the most approachable aspect of the work. Example is the reading of book-club-How-Big-Things-Get-Done. Then I turned to actions like “What if my work environment is not changeable? what if I am on the road of definite loss?” Example is the reading Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away (Book Club post to come). Meanwhile, maybe there is a third option between overcommitted push-through and walking away. Example is The New Codependency.

The connecting lines between them lie in a very subtle form. The big project needs to be planned and defined element-wise before final execution. The way to define a quit point is to set the kill criteria, a pre-commitment contract. One of the most important steps to prevent ill-codependency is to set boundaries.

Almost every aspect of my work is like a big project: long-term, with many diverse stakeholders entangled with power wrestling and dynamics and no existing technical solutions. It is muddy to see whether it will work. Setting clear metrics and criteria is essential, like finding the end of a yarn ball. It required experience, very detailed planning, and rigorous tests to pull the thread out. Emotionally, I have also to accept that not everything can be fixed or fixed by me. This is the time to set the boundaries. They are the shadow metrics and criteria for the success of a big project. They are often hidden or ignored. However, “when you hire a hand, it comes with a head and heart.” They are not separable. The “surface” and “shadow” metrics and criteria together form the complete checklist.

It is easy to relate boundary-setting to private life and personal interactions. The challenge lies when the people involved are mingled with a corporate appearance. That’s to say when a distant and less human-like imaginary profile is created out of the collection of many individuals’ behaviors. Even setting boundaries works essentially the same, but the complex mixed feelings of grit, loyalty, commitment, and achievement stop us from doing so.

Things can go south when boundaries, especially the key stakeholders, are violated or ignored. It can snowball into Escalated Commitment. It can push people away from taking responsibility. It can lead people to build pedestals (doing the easy thing) instead of first training the monkey (the hardest problem of a project). It can result in budget exploding, under benefits, or a combination of both.

Before the argument falls into the slippery slope fallacy, I will stop here and share the excerpts I found the most valuable about setting boundaries. They also remind me in some ways of the Three Laws of Robotics.

Ok, I will stop here and cease my brain wandering too far. Here you are.

TO SET BOUNDARIES, SAY:
• what we’ll do if people don’t stop treating us a particular way;
• what people can or can’t do to or around us—in our space;
• how far we’ll go for someone;
• how far other people can go with us;
• what we will and won’t tolerate;
• “yes” when we mean it;
• “no” when that’s our answer;
• “maybe” when we’re unsure;
• what we will or won’t do if people don’t respect the boundaries we set

BOUNDARIES REQUIRE:
• self-awareness,
• self-love,
• honest communication,
• saying the hard stuff,
• aligning with or stepping into our power.

Limits can make or break relationships. They aren’t only about how people treat us: boundaries are about how we treat them.

HAVING GOOD BOUNDARIES WITH PEOPLE INCLUDES:
• respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business;
• asking, not expecting, assuming, demanding, or insisting;
• doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change;
• asking if it’s a good time to talk when we call;
• not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that’s okay;
• not borrowing without asking;
• paying debts on time;
• telling the truth;
• being nonjudgmental;
• not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking facts;
• not pushing our beliefs on others;
• not feeling entitled to taking what others have by manipulation;
• calling at normal hours unless it’s a true emergency and not drama;
• not talking about others behind their backs;
• not assuming we know the facts unless we do;
• not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favors.

When we’re uncertain what someone’s boundaries are, ask!

BOUNDARIES AREN’T
• limits we set because someone told us to;
• empty, angry threats;
• power plays to control someone;
• limits we don’t or can’t enforce.  

THE ONLY NONNEGOTIABLE BOUNDARIES ARE:
• don’t hurt yourself,
• don’t hurt anyone else,
• don’t let anyone hurt you.